The Fast Food Rant

OK, I confess: I eat more fast food than I should. (In fact, it's probably true to say that eating any fast food is eating more than should be eaten.) In my defense, however, eating out is more than food— it's a social event as well. If I didn't talk to someone at a drive-thru now and then, I might forget how to use my vocal cords.

When did we forget how to serve fast food? For clarification, I've never worked in the industry and I hope I never have to. (Dangerous words from someone who is unemployed and well acquainted with irony.) It would seem to me that certain practices should be self-evident.

Rule No. 1: Drain the fucking burrito. I just got back from my new favorite cheap Mexican food place, Alberto's. (I have long enjoyed Alberto's as a chain, but they recently put one near me, just off the freeway on the University exit.) I had to change clothes after eating because the carnitas burrito developed its own wading pool at the bottom of the tortilla. After taking a few bites I noticed that the wading pool was draining all down my shirt and pants. After a quick muttered "What the fuck?" I examined the burrito and I could actually see the reservoir of burrito juice still untapped at the bottom. Swimming in one's food does not add to the enjoyment. Additionally, it begs the question "What is that juice anyway? Don't the pigs stop sweating after you slaughter them?" Lest you think this rule to be too specific, Baker's is similarly guilty with their machaca burritos. Something about frying up shredded meat on a grill brings out the spa therein.

While we're on the subject of burritos, I'm designating Rule No. 2 to be: Don't overstuff the burrito and/or use a flimsy tortilla. Honestly, if you put deliciousness inside your burrito I'll be back. Don't feel the need to oversell the burrito by stuffing a Ralphie May portion of meat inside a Paris Hilton veil of a tortilla. (May all the elder gods devour my soul if I ever use her name in this blog again!) When you're adding that last half-shovel of meat, ask yourself if it's really necessary.

My third rule is completely non-burrito related, and is the most important rule of all. Rule No. 3: The rim of the cup is not the fill line! Hey, soda jockey, you know how there's a line inside the cup telling you how high the ice goes? Why don't you add an imaginary second fill line about a quarter inch from the rim of the cup and pretend that line is how high the soda goes. That way, when you snap the ill-fitting lid on the cup, the cup doesn't transform into an armed soda bomb. Here's a visual clue, with the lid on, you should see only translucent plastic with the infrequent tip of an ice cube pressed against the top. If the entire lid turns the color of the soda and the precut straw cross in the middle starts sweating beads of soda, there's too much fucking soda. Drain off a teaspoon or two. I won't complain. Really. I'm tired of mopping up the inside of my car because I thought I might try to get the straw in. Just trying to get the straw in under these conditions explains why they're called "fountain drinks". Oh, and Starbucks, this applies to you as well. Somehow, after pouring more cups of coffee than dollars in the federal bailout, you don't seem to realize that your cups leak at the seam. If I ask for "room" give me room to add cream AND still have a half-inch of coffe-clear cup. If I don't ask for "room", you are still free and clear to leave that half inch. Or maybe you like emptying the trash that has a few score tips of cold coffee at the bottom.

Thank you for listening. If you know someone in the fast food industry, please feel free to pass these words of wisdom along. Doubtlessly, I've missed a few valuable tips. These were just the first ones that came to mind. Please add your own tips.

"I am not a glutton— I am an explorer of food."— Erma Bombeck