Sad

I'm not exactly sure why, but I'm so sad right now. In fact, a few minutes ago, my eyes were welling with tears.

Every day it seems more and more like I will have to pursue the next portion of my life in some place other than southern California. I'm not sure what that means yet— or where some place other than southern California might be. There are a few obvious choices, but everything is up in the air. It's strange that I dislike so much about this area that I can't wait to travel somewhere else whenever possible, but the thought of making a permanent move away fills me with melancholy. I grew up constantly on the move (with the exception of an eight-year stay in New Jersey). Every time we moved I lost my friends and had to start over making new ones. But, I've been in SoCal now for 27 years, and some of my friendships go back over 20 years. The thought of leaving these people behind is the saddest thing I can think of.

But, it's getting harder every day to see a way to stay in the area. I can't find a job. I would like to go back to school full time, but that life style still requires me to make a certain level of money. I don't know how to pull it all together. I'm so dismayed by it all right now that, like Albert Brooks at the end of Lost In America, I would swallow my pride and go back to work for my old employer if some opportunity opened up— even knowing how shitty they've treated me.

I received an email from Orbitz today, advertising new low round-trip ticket prices. So, I decided to check around and see how low things are. One of the first things I saw was that a round-trip to Tampa was just about $200, which is so reasonable that I had to jump on it. I squared things with my folks and then I contacted Russell to see if he would be interested in driving down during part of my stay so he could meet my parents and so we could sightsee Florida. Everything seemed to come together nicely, and I'll be spending three weeks of May in Florida. But, here's the other part of what's making me sad— I just realized that I scheduled myself to leave town just before the new Star Trek movie opens, and now I won't be able to see it with any of my geek friends. Sad but true.

Oh well, I guess I'll sign off before this gets too morose. I hope to see you again soon!

"Melancholy is the pleasure of being sad."— Victor Hugo