Movies

I'm enjoying the afternoon at Starbucks. I awoke fairly early today— early for me!— but I've been fighting a headache since rising. So far it hasn't gotten too bad, but it hasn't left yet either.

I promised a couple movie reviews. I hope you haven't been holding your breath!

The first movie up for review is G. I. Joe, which just scored a big opening weekend. I believe the best thing I can say about this movie is sit back, turn off your brain, and let the movie take you for a ride. There's no slow-down on this ride, except for the few minutes back at Joe headquarters (The Pit), when the movie stops to introduce all the dolls... er, action figures... er, characters. The action starts within minutes of the first reel spinning, and it doesn't stop until everything has been blown up or otherwise destroyed. If this is your cup of tea, then you won't be disappointed. I enjoyed it as a visceral thrill, and I would be willing to see a sequel as well. That said, I have a minor quibble with the movie: the horrendous Channing Tatum in the lead role. The movie is studded with fun actors having a good time, but Tatum is visibly struggling to keep up with his co-stars. Having fun is entirely out of his reach. It's easy to see why he was cast in the movie: he looks like an action figure. But, risking the audience's tenuous suspension of disbelief every time Tatum is called upon to speak a line or emote throws the casting decision into a bad light. He is one of the few actors out there these days that makes one ask, "Was John Cena busy?"

The second movie up for review is a renter so be sure to update your Netflix queues: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. If you haven't heard of this one, then in all likelihood, you're not plugged into viral marketing. I first caught wind of this movie a few months ago in an internet-based ad. (Not sure if it was on Facebook or not.) I clicked the ad and watched the trailer and my first thought was Someone has to make this movie! That's right, I thought it was a fake movie trailer, but the trailer was so camped up that i thought it would be the best worst movie ever. Soon afterwards i found out that it was a real trailer for a real movie, and last weekend my friend Pat and I discovered that it is far from being the best worst movie ever. In fact, it is pretty much just one of the worst movies ever. In the trailer, there is a brief shot of passengers in an airplane, flying over the ocean. One of the passengers looks out the window and then shouts "Did you see that?!" The next shot is then of the giant shark— excuse me, mega shark— leaping from the ocean and biting the airplane in half in mid-air. A second shot in the trailer shows the mega shark biting out the middle portion of the Golden Gate Bridge. With a trailer like that and starring Deborah Gibson (yes, formerly Debbie Gibson of 80's pop charts) and Lorenzo Lamas, how could it be a bad movie? Sadly, the trailer shows the only two moments of excitement in the movie. The giant octopus gets no big scenes other than one brief shot of giant tentacles flinging themselves over and around a sea platform. All of the severely limited budget must have gone into these FX shots as most of the indoor sets are bare rooms with dark lighting. (Dark lighting makes it hard to see that there is no set decoration whatsoever.) What change could be spared was then doled out to the few actors for a few days of their time. Regular visitors to— or natives of— Long Beach, CA, will recognize most of the exterior shots, saving more money by reducing the need for expensive locations. Sadly, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is a mega flop or a giant flop, take your pick. It fails to even provide even a good camp thrill.

Back soon!

"The words 'Kiss Kiss Bang Bang' which I saw on an Italian movie poster, are perhaps the briefest statement imaginable of the basic appeal of movies."— Pauline Kael